Elizabeth Crum

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A few readers have commented, some publicly and some privately, that they (1) found this post pretty funny, and (2) were a little shocked to learn that I am not always completely proper.  Or nice.  Some, like Local So-and-So, say they are a little annoyed to find they’ve needlessly been minding their manners around me.

I usually don’t use profanity because in general I’d rather emphasize points with clever phrasing and well-placed modifiers (adverbs and adjectives, for all you non-grammarians).  Once in a blue cheese moon, though, some sarcasm, irreverence and a curse word or three can come in quite handy.  A nice little Rant gets the blood flowing and lets off steam, and I think that’s fine – as long as Ranting does not become a habit.  (Then it just becomes tiresome.)

Occasionally something really rubs me the wrong way – like my daytime employer repeatedly pressuring me, and all its employees, to contact Congress and support their industry-related agenda, which as a conservative is not MY agenda.  I think it’s highly presumptuous and improper and possibly even in violation of some sort of employment law and have thus refused to comply.  And yesterday I had a little fun with my outrage.

In general, in terms of manners and rules here on E!!, I don’t mind a little “color” but don’t want any deliberate, personalized nasty-ness.  I do realize color is in the eye of the beholder, of course.

For an idea of what I find brilliant and loveable in terms of sarcasm, satire and the like, see Iowahawk.  He is one of our great modern-day scribes:  smart, scathing, derisive, outrageous, and funny like few can be.  His recent Senora Kennedy post had me laughing so hard and so long that my stomach ached and I had to pee.  (There is no higher praise when it comes to funny.)

I don’t claim to be living in the same comic galaxy as Iowahawk, and wouldn’t be silly enough to try to get there in my cute little cardboard rocketship.  Comic geniuses are like albinos:  very rare, and born (not made).  I admire Iowahawk from afar and despite the line he walks and often crosses, I am never offended.  In my book, funny covers a multitude of sins.

Anyway, for those who were shocked or disappointed by my letter, be assured that things like that are rare here on E!! – and know that your kind pardon, if granted, is appreciated.

I was recently encouraged, by the executives of an organization that shall go unnamed so I can keep my day job, to write a letter to my Congressman touting the benefits of the Fix Housing First Proposal.

Here’s my letter.

Dear Congressman (or woman)(or Dina Titus):

Rumor has it that you are considering additional action in re: to the housing market. As I understand it, the Fix Housing First proposal consists of the following:

1. The federal government will offer a gi-normous and historically unprecedented supercalifrajalistic tax credit to anyone buying a house in 2009, and anyone who took last year’s lesser tax credit or bought their house prior that can bite the proverbial Big One because they aren’t getting doodleley squat. In essence, those retards who had the poor sense to purchase a domicile before you and your Wall Street pals f***cked the economy into a coma are SOL: too bad, so sad, cry me a Hudson River, etc.

2. In addition – and again, this is only for those bless’d and priveleged few who choose to buy homes in 2009 – the federal government will guarantee a super-sweet taxpayer-subsidized loan at a low, Low market rate of 2.99 or 3.99. Those who were short-sighted enough to finance their homes at 5, 6, or 7% – what a bunch of losers!! – will just have to continue at those rates and hope that sometime in this millenium, they or their unfortunate descendants can break even…or at least not have to file bankruptcy and sell special personal favors out behind the local WalMart.

Naturally, as someone who enjoys being regularly screwed over by my elected officials, I support the Fix Housing First proposal. In addition to priveleging a few citizens over the vast majority and attempting to artificially stimulate an entire industry with the taxpayer dollars OF that majority, it will effectively grind into dust my last vestiges of faith in fairness, equity, and the American Way.

I now realize that virtues such as these are for fools and idealists, and I thank you for freeing me from the naïve weltanschauung that has enslaved me for the better part of my life. Now instead of wasting my time aspiring to liberty and justice for all – what crack-smoking maniac thought up THAT ridiculous concept? – I can now embark on a life filled with bitterness, vitriol and rage and go to my grave cursing both man and God, as is only befitting of an enlightened person of the twenty-first century.

Congratulations on your confirmation into Congress.

Sincerely,

Citizen Sue

If you are a word-smither, political junkie, media critic (professonal or homegrown) or even an avid reader, don’t miss this great satirical piece by Iowahawk on Joe the Plumber’s foray into the publishing world.

The comic genius and killer sarcasm of Iowahawk knows no bounds.  He’s supercalifragalistic, folks!

Here’s some good, scathing political satire from Treacher.  (Satire:  it’s the breakfast of champions.)

Ref:  Apocalypse Now

“Do you smell that? It’s napalm, son. Nothing else on the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Y’know, once we had a hail bomb….12 hours….and when it was all over I walked up. We didn’t find one of them, not one stinking dink body.

The smell, y’know that gasoline smell, that whole hell.

Smells like…….. Victory.

Some day this war‘s gonna end.”

- Lieutenant Colonel Kilgore.

With all the doom and gloom in the news and the market and my mood about it all, I figured I’d point everyone to a riotously funny piece by P.J. O’Rourke, arguably the greatest political satirist and sharpest wit of our time.

 A few of my favorite P.J. quotations:

Always read stuff that will  make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady and left off for the rest of your life.  Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.

The forces of safety are afoot in the land. I, for one, believe it is a conspiracy – a conspiracy of Safety Nazis shouting “Sieg Health” and seeking to trammel freedom, liberty, and large noisy parties. The Safety Nazis advocate gun control, vigorous exercise, and health foods. The result can only be a disarmed, exhausted, and half-starved population ready to acquiesce to dictatorship of some kind.

Pretty interesting insight on Obama “The One” ad from Virginia Postrel. 

[Hat Tip to Ramesh at the Corner]