E!!

Those who read E!! and/or know me well are familiar with my love for a good parody no matter who is being mocked.  And Jon Ralston has penned a good one on Harry Reid’s would-be GOP challengers.

For Reid fans and those on the left who will think it funny, you’re welcome.  (Oh wait:  nobody from the left reads my blog because I am a right wing nut job.  Silly me!)

For those on the right who will be mad when they read it, it’s ok. We must never – any of us – take ourselves too seriously.

Both sides should take a deep breath.  We’ve got 13 months to go until the 2010 elections.  Before it’s all over, Nevada politics being what it is, we’re all going to need a few laughs.

*For those who didn’t catch the film reference in the header of this post, it’s a twist on a great Kilgore (Robert Duvall) line from Apocalypse Now (<— 59 second clip):  “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

Yes, yes, I have been sporadic and/or just plain absent of late.  I have no excuse.  (I hate excuses.)

Please enjoy the following bit, a favorite of mine.  If you are any kind of political junkie – Left, Middle, or Right – I dare you not to laugh.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk
Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Real World Communism: You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.
Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.
Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
American-style Capitalism: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently – aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

!!

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government gives you harmonica lessons.

!!

Have I gone mad?

Perhaps.  Politics and all its egos are enough to drive anyone to Madville, fast.

(We’re all mad here…)

Politico or no, you may want to join the Surrealist Party (click that “here…” link back there) if you have a penchant for, or appreciation of, absurdity, absurdness, nonsensicalness, nonsensicality, ridiculousness, ridiculosity, ludicriousness, meaninglessness, contradiction, incongruity, incongruousness, illogic, illogicality, illogicalness, craziness, twaddle, flummery, malarkey, jabber, Jabberwocky, shenanigans, jocularity, waggery, drollery, levity, frivolity, silliness, inanity, and the Like.

For the wonks, Wonkas, classicists and literalists amongst us, do consider reading:

The First Surrealist Manifesto (Breton, 1924).

(Yes, it’s really The Surrealist Party’s platform. Yes, there really is such a thing.  No, we haven’t read it.  The Dem and GOP Committeepersons and Candidates don’t read theirs, either, so why pick on us?)

In closing:

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. – Willy Wonka

(Did you know that nearly all the best quotes in the film Willy Wonka are lifted from works of literature? You can review many of them here.)

If you have questions about this post, any of its references, or the Surrealist Party in general, please drop a Comment.

They must be getting desperate.

Why else would the White House post the following blurb at whitehouse.gov:

There is a lot of disinformation about health insurance reform out there, spanning from control of personal finances to end of life care.  These rumors often travel just below the surface via chain emails or through casual conversation.  Since we can’t keep track of all of them here at the White House, we’re asking for your help. If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to flag@whitehouse.gov.

Let’s re-cap.

Emails.  And casual conversations.  And stuff on the web.  That are “fishy.”  Should be flagged.  And emailed to the White House.  So they can keep track of them.  And combat “disinformation.”

Oooo-KAY.

Since when, and based on what precedent, does a sitting President ask American citizens to report on their fellow citizens in regards to political speech? Has the White House staff lost their senses?  Is the Teleprompter drunk?

The audacity of the request is eclipsed only by its foolishness. Trying to control information – or disinformation – on the web is like trying to herd a million cats. You can’t do it.

And if you’re the White House, you shouldn’t be trying.

I guess this “flag the fishy” idea was dreamt up by the same geniuses who thought it was wise to call concerned Townhall attendees an “angry mob” spouting “manufactured information” when they dared to show up and ask tough questions about health care reform.

People like the woman who asked her congressman, “How can you manage health care when you can’t manage Cash for Clunkers?”

Or the elderly woman who asked her congressman if HE was going to be on the new health care plan.

Yeah, these people are just totally unhinged.

Our elected officials must find it SO annoying to have to deal with these pesky citizens and their annoying questions.

(Iowahawk embellishes with his usual brilliance.)

Laugh-’til-you-can’t-catch-your-breath-and-have-to-pee Alert on this one.  It’s on the Cambridge/Harvard Gates arrest thing. 

Why doesn’t Iowahawk have some sort of fat media gig by now?  How long must he go on being the sharpest, funniest, killingest political satirist on the Internet before they give him a multi-gazillion dollar site sponsorship, a sick crib, and a lifetime supply of beer?

I’m a sucker for Monty Python references.  And this one recalls one of my favorite scenes from The Holy Grail while cleverly poking fun at socialized health care.

My very favorite scene from Grail is this one (dialogue with Graham Chapman as KING ARTHUR, Michael Palin as DENNIS THE PEASANT, and Terry Jones as the WOMAN).

Available on YouTube here.

I’ve shamelessly swiped that terrific header from Jonah @ NRO.

The linked-to piece – from ExurbanLeague - is here.  An excerpt (satire alert):

Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

Some of us wonder if our current Overseas Contingency Operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label Pirates as “thieves,” “terrorists” and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.

Smart alecky goodness from Derb @ NRO:

Legislative Onomastics   [John Derbyshire]

Here’s an amusing anecdote from my friend E.M.:

So I’ve been visiting friends in Louisiana for the last few days; partly to catch up because I haven’t seen them in forever, and partly because I love Mardi Gras – and thanks to a special surprise, I was actually able to go this year and enjoy it.

I love everything about the South: the food, the pace of life, the fact that my skin doesn’t get dry and that people walk around with funny hats on for no reason and don’t get self-conscious. But most of all, I love it because of interactions like this:

We were sitting around the kitchen table after Bacchus, when a two year old child came running in brandishing a toy shotgun (with real cocking and smoking action!), aiming and firing at nothing, shortly followed by his mother.

Mother: “Give me that gun!”

Child: “No!”

Mother: “Give ME THAT GUN!”

Child: “No!”

Mother takes the gun.

Child cries.

Father (from Kitchen Table): “Give him back that gun, Nancy Pelosi!”

Another child (also from Kitchen Table) bursts into tears: “Don’t call mama that, Daddy!!!”

Here’s a little two minute ditty I think you’ll all enjoy.  My complements to singer and song writer Kathleen Stewart and lyricist Steve Jones.

(Apologies for neglecting you, good Readers!  There IS good reason, which I will explain later…)

For now, this, from Michelle Malkin.

On the cabinet appointment scandals.

(Everyone who failed to nominate and vote this guy Best Humor Blog should be ashamed.)

I just dropped in to The Conservative Muse for some much-needed cheering up and was not disappointed.  If the hypocrisy of Hollywood on the issue of conservation ever irks, this poem’s for you!  Here’s a taste:

Although he became a legitimate actor,

It’s hard to ignore the hypocrisy factor

Of Leo’s campaign to reduce all consumption – 

From Hollywood types it’s the height of presumption! 

Just look at Babs Streisand, who lately observed

That water and energy must be conserved

To stave off the crisis of warming we’ve made;

For curbing our usage she’s on a crusade.

We guess from these strictures she’s gotten a pardon:

She spends twenty grand just to water her garden!

Hat Tip:  my good friend Shane Markuson, via an email forward

My Uncle David, who lives in the state with the best motto – Live Free or Die – just forwarded this to me; I assume it came to him the same way (not sure the source).

CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing

BROKER — What my broker has made me

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked
up in a nuthouse

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use

To my amazement, my appearance on KNPR this week sparked a grassroots movement in support of a presidential run. See here. (Be patient: It takes a minute for the video to completely load.)

LOL

Mega thanks for the laughs go out to my good friend (and good conservative citizen) Shane Markuson.

Here’s some good, scathing political satire from Treacher.  (Satire:  it’s the breakfast of champions.)

Ref:  Apocalypse Now

“Do you smell that? It’s napalm, son. Nothing else on the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Y’know, once we had a hail bomb….12 hours….and when it was all over I walked up. We didn’t find one of them, not one stinking dink body.

The smell, y’know that gasoline smell, that whole hell.

Smells like…….. Victory.

Some day this war’s gonna end.”

- Lieutenant Colonel Kilgore.

I like Jim Henley’s one-liner: “Wouldn’t it save administrative costs if I just started giving my money to random rich people?”

(H/T:  Outside the Beltway)

Blog artist Jim Treacher launches the latest.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain boards his campaign plane to depart Philadelphia, Sunday, Sept. 21, 2008. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

With all due respect to the AP photographer (who probably couldn’t get any closer) and CNSNews (who needed a photo to go with their story), this tiny shot of McCain seems a little silly…

Seems Spike Lee can still be counted on to spew goodish moronic Leftist idiocy.  Here speaketh he on the deity of the Obama:

You can divide history. BB Before Barack. AB After Barack.

And, for that time in history during which we endured Barack’s campaign speeches:  BS.    

SUFFERING FROM YUCCA-SCHIZOPHRENIA

“It seems 58 percent of Nevadans polled oppose the Yucca Mountain project, where the government wants to bury the highly radioactive waste from nuclear plants. But in a different question, 58 percent of Nevadans said they had no problem whatsoever digging up more uranium to refine and use in nuclear power.  Thus creating more nuclear waste.  Thus creating a greater need for the disposal of said nuclear waste.  Thus creating more pressure to build and operate Yucca Mountain.  Which 58 percent of Nevadans say they’re against. 

Does that make sense to anybody? We didn’t think so.”

- CityLife editor Steve Sebelius, 8/26/08

One of my NV business owner pals just forwarded me her recent email exchange with Nevada State Senator Dennis Nolan.  It’s worth sharing especially since Nolan’s advice to her (and anyone who agrees with her) was to leave the state.  Way to persuade your critics and strengthen Nevada, Senator Nolan!

P:  The reason people don’t get Nevada plates is that they are the highest in the country. Hey, Earth to Nolan! You can CHOOSE your state of residency. You can set up an LLC or company in another state. All of these are perfectly legal ways to have plates from other states. Want people to register here? Cut the fees down and they will register!!! DUH!

Senator Nolan:  If they like paying to register in another state and let the rest of us pay for roads and highways, then they should live in the other state! DUH!

P:  Because people can have more than one house or an RV which is deductible as a house! DUH! Last time I looked half of it went to the overbloated worthless school system stuffed with illegals that you refuse to do anything about! DUH! WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE ROADS? WITH THE WAY THIS STATE IS GETTING CALIFORNICATED THERE WILL BE LOTS OF PEOPLE LEAVING!  READ IT AND WEEP! http://wyomingcompany.com/ 

$500 to set up a Wyoming LLC, cheap plates, no business tax and no Nevada stigma! and no Rhinos! That single move alone would save me $3,800 a year in plates for a 1999 car ($500), a 2001 car ($650), and a 2003 motor home ($1,800) which is never there! And when it is, it’s parked!!!! Tell me, why should I keep paying license plate fees in Nevada?????? It’s a NO BRAINER!

Senator Nolan:  Your Right! and in your case I think the move would be a prudent and in the State’s best interest!

(E!! Note:  The word “your” is not the same as the contraction “you’re” meaning you are.  Dare I speculate that Nolan attended public school in Nevada?)

P:  I’m sure there are plenty more people that would rather see you go. Shall we make a list???

Senator Nolan:  You’re probably right! No, don’t worry,  I’ve already started a list.  Hey, I really do appreciate your concern and  involvement despite our differences.  Have a good week.

(Having calmed down, Nolan realizes that shouting “DUH!” and advising unhappy citizens to leave the state is probably not a good strategy…or very Senatorial, either.)

P:  Truce, for now. If you really want to do something to help the economy, support cutting the school fees out of the budget and allowing for licensing your cars based on what they are actually worth, not some inflated retail price.  We pay $1,800 a year for license plates for a 5 year old motorhome. We RV outside of Nevada 10 months a year. When it’s in Las Vegas it’s parked. Now tell me why I should pay that kind of money to the state?

I can license in Wyoming or Montana (no sales tax either) by purchasing an LLC. I haven’t yet, but I’m going to. You can be a citizen of anywhere now by buying an LLC or Corp. Why is Nevada driving business and fees out of Nevada? Wyoming is actively seeking what would be Nevada businesses. I would love to see some numbers on how much the LLC business has dropped in Nevada since 2003, and the big tax and fee hikes.

The threat of a business tax being espoused by Rogers and Buckley are forcing people to look elsewhere. It is perfectly legal and smart to lower your taxes legally. It would be in Nevada’s best interest to change these 2 anti-business, anti-consumer things that are patently unfair. It would cut the cost of plates in half, and I bet alot more people would buy their plates here.

By the way, I am also a small business owner, Internet. It would be very easy for me to move my business to Wyoming. In fact I’m setting up a second LLC in Wyoming this next week as a precaution against a potential business tax. How many other businesses are doing or will do the same thing?

It’s a world economy now. State governments should realize that. Make it attractive for small businesses to be here or they will stop coming. Have a nice evening.

From Blue Collar Muse today:

The ol’ “Toca del Sombrero” for this Friday Funny goes to Bob R. via email…

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it ‘Barack Obama’.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to get rid of ‘Barack Obama?’
6. Firmly Click ‘Yes.’
7. Feel better?

GOOD! – Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi…

One of today’s Roll Call alerts leads with this opener:  “With the controversy surrounding Sen. Joe Lieberman (ID-Conn.) speaking at the GOP presidential convention and his name being floated as a potential GOP running mate, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) maintains that there will be no consequences for the Independent-Democrat.”

What “consequences” would there BE…? 

Does this mean Reid has called off his privately funded band of mercenary thugs?  Or changed his mind about bribing a Senate dining room server to poison Lieberman’s lunch?

And is this anything like Jack Nicholson’s order (in the film A Few Good Men) that Private So-and-So was “not to be harmed”?

Not content to let Eric & Allen & Friends have their Happy Ending, Progress Illinois took the Open Left talking points about #dontgo that Eric had debunked on his blog earlier and ran it as fact without doing any checking.  From the Progress Illinois site:

Let’s be clear. This is a “movement” that originated at the highest level of powers in Washington. It’s a movement that, if successful, would benefit large oil companies and their rich executives far more than the average American consumer. It’s a movement with protests populated by paid staffers from industry-funded organizations. In short, there is nothing “grassroots” about it.

ROFL

Anyone who knows Eric “the Libertarian” Odom knows he is as anti-establishment as it gets.  He isn’t In with the Insiders in D.C. in any way, shape or form.  I’ll grant that Eric’s day job is a paid consultant for Sam Adams Alliance, but Eric blogs and Twitters on the side (and only WISHES he got paid to do it). 

Eric and Allen are two very enterprising individuals who threw up the Twitter tag, purchased the two #dontgo-affilliated domain names and built the dontgomovement.com website on their own dime and on their own time.  They were not paid by Big Oil fat cats, mythical “industry-funded organizations,” or Newt Gingrich.  The huge influx of Twitterers and bloggers happened because a lot of good citizens are angry about the lack of Congressional action on energy and were/are interested in what was/is happening on on the House floor…and the Twitter feed was/is the best way to follow the play-by-play.

Isn’t it interesting that the Left just cannot FATHOM the concept of a committed activist who isn’t getting paid and/or receiving some personal benefit for championing a cause?  Seems to me their accusations and protests are very revealing.  One wonders how many staffers at Open Left, Progress Illinois, or MoveOn.org would spend their own time and money trying to get something worthwhile done.  Not too many, I’m guessing.

So, anyhoo, just know that Progress Illinois got the story Wrong.  Not surprising, considering they never bothered to contact Eric and took their talking points from an outdated, debunked post on Open Left…which, by the way, continues to get the story wrong.  To borrow Open Left’s oh-so-sophisticated Slam-fest sum-up which simultaenously insists #dontgo is (1) backed by “the highest levels of power in Washington” and (2) “insignificant”:  whatever!   If Dontgomovement.com is so insignificant, why is the national media all over it – and why are you guys still writing about it?

(For those of you who do not know the whole back story, you can read my post from yesterday and/or catch Mary Katherine Ham’s piece in the Washington Examiner.)

I missed posting at noon-ish today; it’s been a long, hard sun cycle; and my creative juices are dry.  So, I’m going to do what all great bloggers do and post someone else’s clever riff in order to fill blogspace.  This is from Chuck Muth’s News & Views:

DO YOU, MR. CANDIDATE, TAKE MS. VOTER…?

I ran into another [Nevada] Republican candidate today who has yet to sign the Taxpayer Protection Pledge.  His objection is one I hear quite often from candidates who simply don’t want to take a firm position on a critically important philosophical, as well as fiscal, issue. “I’ve learned over the years never to say never,” this candidate told me this afternoon.

Really?  I wonder exactly when he learned that lesson?

I suppose it was sometime AFTER promising Mrs. Candidate on their wedding day that he was taking her “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, ’til death do us part.”

I mean, if your philosophy is to “never say never,” then shouldn’t those old marriage vows be made a bit more flexible?  I mean, shouldn’t we take out the part about “til death do us part” and insert some kind of escape clause which acknowledges that when it comes to being faithful, “everything is on the table”? I mean, it’s just not right to never say never, right?

You see, when you really, really, really, really, REALLY believe in something at the very core of your being, it’s not hard to say “never.”  Then again, if you really, really, really, really, really DON’T believe that raising taxes is a bad thing, then you come up with all kinds of excuses for not making such a firm promise.

So, Mr. & Mrs. Taxpayer, when a candidate who refuses to give you a firm promise not to raise your taxes comes to you asking for your vote, remember…it’s just a one-night stand.  There’s no commitment involved.  Just hope he or she at least leaves you enough money for cab fare home.

Pelosi & Pals adjourn, having failed to schedule a vote to allow offshore drilling (11:23 a.m.)  They turn off the lights, kill the mics, and head home.

Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) and other GOPers indignantly opposed the motion to adjourn.  A few GOPers stayed on the floor and continued to debate.  As word spread, the crowd on the floor began to grow.

Dem aides were steamed at the “stunt” and had reporters kicked out of the Lobby.  Capitol PoPo were also busy kicking people out of the press gallery but stopped when Minority Leader Roy Blunt (R-MO) went up to talk to reporters.  Blunt’s office sent out a message asking all Republicans still in town to come to the House floor.

The Dems turned out the lights (again).

The Republicans sent out word that they were looking for a bullhorn and also sent aides out to round up members to come to the floor.  Shadegg started typing random codes into the chamber’s PA system and accidentally hit the right code to turn on the microphones (cheers!) but then they subsequently went off again (groans).

Members were pacing the floor, making speeches, standing on chairs.  Visitors were cheering loudly.  At one point Manzullo (R-IL) gave a rousing speech and brought the crowd to its feet.  Applause and cheering echoed in the chamber.

Rep Nunes (R-CA) crowed, “I am a Democrat and here is my energy plan.”  He then paraded around the House floor holding up a picture of an old VW Bug with a sail attached to it.  (LOL)  More cheering.

At 5:00, Tom Price (R-GA) announced the end of the protest and led the chamber in a round of “God Bless America.”  Assembled visitors, aides, souriest, and members gave a standing ovation.

Question:  Since the C-SPAN cameras were off, didn’t anyone think to try to sneak in a video tape so we could have some fun watching the footage on You Tube and/or FNC?

Though I hate to praise the Dem campaign machine, I must give credit where credit is due and award an “A” to the Nevada Democratic Party for interactive web-design and creativity on this site. 

It’s called “Tracking America’s Worst Governor” and is a pretty well-researched expose of all of Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons’ gaffes, inconsistencies, slip-ups and personal indiscretions.  Not sure how effective it will be in pressuring him to resign or getting him recalled, but it’s pretty darn funny. 

Even if you don’t live in Nevada and could care less about The Adventures of Jim Gibbons, you should check it out just for the graphics, fun clicky-ness – and multiple LOLs.

Check out these signs.  (Hat tip to Ramesh on The Corner at NRO)  LOL

This McCain campaign ad is a must see.  LOL